Becoming the villain in my own story.

There is a story in every single one of us. From the day we were born, we live our lives through the first-person experience of the world.

Our stories have high points, and they have low points. And they have other characters as well. Friends, families, lovers, and many more.

Today I decided to do things a bit differently. I’ve made a decision to take ownership of my story. An old friend reached out to tell me she thought my life was perfect. But boy was she in for a surprise.

Exploring the world.

The summer of 2012 was the arc of my life. I started pursuing my interests in broadcasting on the internet and unraveled a whole new world of opportunities. From launching an online channel to registering my first business, this moment was one of the single most pivotal turns in my trajectory. It was a bold move that empowered me to tackle the world fearlessly. My online channel then matriculated to a full-scale marketing agency working with leading brands and managing the Jamaican flagship for Entertainment Scoop.

The mindset: Fearlessly embrace the world.

Though one of my biggest struggles going through, this was surrounding myself with peers, who understood this mindset, and I ended spending a lot of time surrounded by people but always feeling alone. This is where I decided I wanted to play ‘hero.’ I was so lonely that I wanted to rally the world to embrace my mindset, I started taking speaking engagements, press coverage and finally jumped into another transformative experience launching my nonprofit, NextGen Creators.

The stories I could tell on the impact and influence Next Gen Creators made on over 1000 youth across Jamaica usually brings me to tears. I discovered there were real challenges in Jamaica, and more youth were denied meaningful opportunities. My team and I were empowered to break these barriers, create a new mindset, and ignite a movement ( #TechOver ). In retrospect today, it became so evident that I was so busy playing the role of hero that I started forsaking the most important character in my story, myself. I was a bucket near empty and never stopped pouring. I over-extended myself, suffered from burnouts and anxiety — I also stopped cultivating deep relationships and just started looking towards to the next project — the next opportunity to put on a plastic smile and face the world.

Now in perspective, In 2015, through a partnership, we covered the cost of CXCs for over five students at our hackathon BUT my parents paid for my CXCs at cost. My constant grind was slowly becoming the most significant source of my anxiety and frustrations. A common theme evolved though, whenever I needed saving, there was never anyone around.

Before my 20th birthday, I’ve experienced what it was like being conned by people I trust, lawsuits, negotiating major deals, speaking on international stages, sitting in boardrooms and having people who reported directly to me. Before my 20th birthday, I was practically a 30 year old. Not because anyone forced me to, but because this hero needed to take action.

I’d never forgotten the words of my Grandfather, echoing that I traveled all around but never took the time to see him. He died only a few weeks after — having not seen me for over ten years. This was the person I became, I was so lost in the mission, and I forgot about the other things and people in my life.

Charting a new path.

In 2017 I made a life-changing decision to join the inaugural class of Watson scholars at Lynn University. After dropping out of university in Jamaica, I decided to give it another shot. Being in this new environment placed me in a unique spot — I stepped outside of my story and started looking in.

I tried ignoring the signs, I worked harder; I got more involved. I enforced the values that I didn’t need to care about myself or anyone else I just needed to get the task at hand done. I was basically a robot. Eventually, I slowly trickled my way to rock bottom. A 7 year struggle started making its way to the surface. It wasn’t until this very moment I realized my kryptonite had nothing to do with the outside world, but it was within me. I was a ‘hero’ on a mission to change the world, taking hits all around and never taking the time to truly heal myself.

Well if you haven’t realized by now — The hero was losing the battle within. I only realized that I was the biggest villain in my story. Eventually, people started taking even more advantage of this vulnerability. It’s crazy just to sit here and look at the different ways my time and energy were exploited.

But to take a step back. I write this not because I feel the world wronged me, but because this is me taking ownership of my power and declaring it to the world. I’m sitting here confused about what to do next, where this journey will take me, and how to stop being everyone’s hero. I want to walk away from the people who mean me no well and the things that drain my energy.

I’m now giving myself permission to course correct.

I read a powerful quote from Becca Lee a few days ago, and it just reminded me that though it’s never too late to change your path and do what’s right for you. But the even more important thing she shared is that we have to find a way to work with our pain, and through that, we learn and grow.

Now I’m honestly working to find a way to work with my pain. But it hurts like hell, but I’m praying to figure it out.

“The greatest obstacle you will face in this life is yourself, my dear — the doubt woven throughout your mind and the fear harbored within your heart.

But do not allow them to stifle your dreams or steal away your hope.

You must learn to embrace the chaos so that it may become your peace and find the courage to make changes even when the stars are not perfectly aligned.

For this life will never be completely absent of uncertainty and turbulence but it may be absent of utter dismay and hopelessness. When you find a way to work with your pain — you may forever learn and grow.